Thursday, February 18, 2016

We don't have to talk,
Because we can't communicate
We don't have to fight,
Because we can't Love,
So I'll sit in silence,
Speaking only with ink,..

Dear Pain from a Lover,
I feel you. I feel you deep in my chest. Stirring up the inhabitants.
A broken heart, A plunging stomach, Wheezing lungs.
Somehow you cause disruption in my once peaceful organs.
I can feel you vibrating through every inch of my being, pushing out your symptoms at every possible opening.
My eyes see in pixels.
My hands move in sweat.
I feel you.. Convincing my own legs to fail me as I fall to the ground.
My mind is a web of chaos while I try to understand.

Most of all.. I -know- you. Haven't we been living together for awhile now?

-R

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Today I was...

Today I was a bad mother, I raised my voice to my daughter because I let myself feel frustrated.
Today I was a bad mother, I yelled and cursed and said mean things to her father in retaliation to the horrible things he said to me when I could have easily been the bigger person and let it go.
Today I was a bad mother, I stayed in the room thinking of what to do instead of playing with her next to her father.
Today I was a bad girlfriend, I yelled at my boyfriend after yelling at me.
Today I was a bad girlfriend,.. I stayed in the room waiting for change instead of repeating what i usually do. I could have ended it, but I didn't.
Today I was a bad girlfriend. I cooked for myself and not for my boyfriend.
Today I was selfish, i cried listening to the same song on repeat instead of trying to fix things.
Today I was a good mother.. I set my feelings aside and played legos and pretend with my daughter.
Today I was a good mother, I cut an apple up for my daughter and only took 3 slices myself despite my growing hunger.
Today I was a good mother, I cooked dinner for my daughter then gently cleaned her up.
Today I was a good mother, i forced myself to eat despite my own feelings, so that she would have better milk.
Every morning I try to be a good girlfriend and let my boyfriend sleep in even when our daughter is awake and I'm the one up with her all night.
Everyday I try to be the girlfriend he can be proud of, but mostly I fall short.
Everyday I try to intrigue him with information thats new to me.. but mostly it gets rejected.
Everyday I try to learn more and share my findings with him.. but mostly I get called stupid by words or by expression.
Everyday I try to cook delicious meals. Half the time I do.. half the time they re less than perfect.
Everyday I try to take care of our garden, but he doesnt care about that.
Today I was a human being. I had emotions, my feelings were hurt and i waited for the love of my life to reaffirm me that he cared... but he didn't.. mostly he just yelled at me and called me stupid.
Everyday I try to be the girlfriend and mother they can be proud of... most days I fall short...
Today I was a mediocre person.. I'm sorry.